Blah blah surrender blah blah blah
Do you ever get tired of hearing about surrender? Yay, me too.
The reason birth workers go on about it so much though, is because surrender is often a necessary part of birth and parenting – sometimes it’s surrendering to the power of the surges running through your body, or surrendering to the need for unwished for medical interventions, or surrendering to the sleep deprivation and high needs of your newborn in the early weeks of postpartum.
But surrender isn’t something we’re spectacularly good at, generally speaking. In fact most of us work to avoid surrendering to anything because it can often feel like giving up.
Image description: a baby with dark hair is swaddled in a white blanket, sleeping in their parent’s arms. Their parent is only partially visible and is wearing a purple shirt with purple and beige embroidery.
I know that’s what I used to believe.
Surrender was actually just another word for failure.
My dear friend Lisa (Mockingjay Midwifery) and I had a conversation about surrender years ago and after circling around the same point over and over again – mine being that surrender meant you just weren’t trying anymore – she said “No, surrender is the last thing you do, the last choice you make, when there are no other options available. Most of us can’t surrender until we’ve exhausted every other possibility.”
That really landed with me.
Later, I came across a quote: “Surrender isn’t permanent. It’s just part of discernment.”
Part of learning to surrender is learning WHEN to surrender.
Surrender isn’t always the right strategy, in every situation. Sometimes it’s better to hold your ground, or to go on the offensive.
Rarely, is it the first thing we try when facing a challenge.
And, mostly importantly, when we have reached a point of surrender, it doesn’t mean we stay there forever.
But there are times when surrender is the wise and compassionate choice. There are times when fighting what’s happening, denying it, trying to change it, fix it, or control it increases our suffering, our fear, our pain. In those moments, surrender can be a relief.
Coming face to face with what IS in that moment and fully accepting it can be the thing that gets us through.
If you’re preparing to give birth and/or become a parent, it might be time to practice flexing your surrender muscle. Consider the following:
when have you needed to surrender in your life?
how did you know it was time to surrender?
what happened when the time to surrender was done?
how might the need to surrender be showing up in your life now?
